My friend Lee was lamenting the long painful demise of a good friend. She questioned the existence of a god who allows good people to suffer terrible ends. She is not wrong.
I drove to Sunnyvale to visit my favorite aunt who was turning 90. She was hooked to an oxygen tank and required a full-time caregiver. The TV was off. She said the news is bad for her mental health.
In her youth, a mere five years ago, she sang with the Sweet Adeline group, performing locally and touring around the world. Gesturing to the oxygen tank, she commented that she obviously could no longer sing, but she continued to receive the group news and updates. She was also a dedicated bird watcher a hobby that fueled her world travels. Prior to her most recent hospitalization, her children drove her on a long bird watching junket, a trip they are all glad they undertook.
She gave me two pieces of advice.
Have younger friends.
Don’t bother to live past 85 (not you, me).
My father-in-law is younger than my aunt. His mobility is decreasing – he needs a walker to negotiate his small condo. Now rarely leaving the house, he depends on his younger wife to shop and manage the house. He is lucid, but seems bored. For years the couple traveled to visit her children and vacation in Maui. He never learned to work the computer as he puts it. He reads novels but doesn’t discuss them. You’ve been here – we love our parents, aunts and uncles, but we end up talking about their health because there isn’t any other common subject or interest. And the visits last forever.
Return to our friend Lee. Lee lives in a beautiful historic home a block from the center of town. The residents of our town will use any excuse to organize a parade: Mardi Gras, Independence Day, Constitution Day, Lunar New Year (I’m waiting for Arbor Day) . Parade after parade. And Lee’s house is the starting point for them all. We all covet the invitation to congregate on her front lawn to watch the parade. During Halloween many of her friends pitch in to hand out candy to some 1, 500 children as the town bursts into enormous street party (a parade-adjacent event). Lee is a genius at connections, friendships and cultivating younger people either through her business or through her grandchildren. We all love her and she in turn is tuned in and interested in us.
How do we maintain our relevancy to others and our own interest in life? How do we bring them along to the parade?
Can we age, as we say, gracefully? No question we will be surprised by abrupt mobility issues as well as health challenges. We may lose our minds, we may lose our bodies. How in the hell do we plan for this?
I believe we age better by practicing art. Art is big, small and engaging. Art is what we love: making and more importantly, doing. The benefits and satisfaction of art making lie completely in the process with only a sliver of satisfaction coming from the product. Who do we want to be? Lonely with nothing to discuss but our health? Or energized by something to do and something to say about it? Everything does change, but we can mange if we express our passion, keep our connections and always have a reason to get up in the morning.
Avoiding a Benevolent God
