It is hard not to look back on the year and compare last year with this current moment. For me it all started last December. Last year right about this time, I spent two weeks ferrying my mother to all her favorite Holiday parties: Women’s club, book club, a social club, the mahjong group. All of them. She was a project, she was not easily moved, and by December we needed to transport her in a wheelchair. So every pick up and drop off was a half hour ordeal. Wheeling her to the car, getting her into the car, folding the wheelchair and loading it into the back of the car. Driving. Listening to her help with directions, extracting her from the car. Slowly helping her into her wheelchair, dragging the wheelchair over gravel drives and then backward up the front stairs of every home we visited, and repeating the process to bring her home. I’m glad I made the effort, but at the time, these trips were overwhelmingly difficult. On New Year’s Eve, a dear friend reassured me that no, I would not be loading and unloading my mother from the car forever. This was not Waiting for Godot. But it certainly felt like it.
Beginning with Solstice, the rhythm changed. By the end of December mother was carted by ambulance rides in and out of the ER, to rehab and back to assisted living. By February we could no longer move her out of a wheelchair and into our car. By the end of February, after the second ER visit, the hospital would only release her to Hospice care. All the while mother called us at all hours demanding we help her or come and get her and bring her to our house (we live on a hill at the top of one of three sets of stairs). It was a winter of No.
April 21st she passed away.
What else happened during this year? Certainly not great art. Not even pretty good art. I created OLLI classes no one attended, applied for a grant I did not get, and avoided even thinking of the third book to the Vic Gardner series.
But as my friend assured me, the effort and care did not after all, last forever.
June 5th, we held a Celebration of Life honoring mother. On June 12th we flew to Dublin for a three and a half week trip to Ireland: the Literature and Whisky tour. The time away was just as inspirational as I hoped. I returned with more writing and class ideas as well as a new obsession with James Joyce’s Ulysses. ,
If you find yourself in an emotionally draining, distracting situation, therapy may help. Meditation certainly can help. Journaling always helps. Journaling guarantees you keep your standing appointment with the Muse. Show up. Sometimes that is all you can do. I showed up every day to scribble truly crappy things in my journal. But that was fine. I embraced the research that journaling would help my stress, anxiety, even anger. And it worked.
I also recommend finding a low stakes creative project (maybe not a grant application) to distract yourself with. Find a project that is easy to finish that will give you a feeling of accomplishment. Use every tool you have or search out new tools and techniques.
Even during a crisis, you need to find a sliver of time to care for your creative life.
And the crisis will end. I promise.
What a ride! I enjoyed reading the details of your life with mother at the end, and then recovering and continuing without…